What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 03:27
She married twice! .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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I don,t even have a pension.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I waited trembling.
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So, i spoilt her more .
She wouldn,t have been !
I could never make a relationship work though!
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I said to her
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Comes on , in middle age.
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What did i know ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was seconnd youngest,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot live in the past .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were not on the streets..
This is soul school!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But, we were locked up after school.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Put me off passion for life!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Ive learnt so much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He knew the spot.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it wasn’t much.
All the time i was locked up.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was 9 years of age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was scared of men, in general
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I have no regrets .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My family never makes their pension either.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She loved him until the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I write beautiful poetry .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Who then, do I blame.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .